Why The Hell Are You Here, Mom?
by NOT 80K Hikigaya
Summary: Urashima Keitaro wakes up to not-quite Folgers in his cup. And by 'cup', I mean 'bed'. AoyaMaMa? MaMaehara? No! Best mom is UrashiMaMa! [Complete & Omakes]
1. Part I

**Chapter 1**

* * *

Saturday. The first day of the usual two-day weekend.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

"…urgh." Urashima Keitaro stirred. Blindly, he fumbled for the alarm clock. Smashing the snooze button like a certain green-skinned irradiated brute, Keitaro rolled over and felt an unexpected sensation in the palm of his hands.

Immediately, warning signals flared up and he prepared himself for a world of pain. He had been in this simultaneously-enviable-and-yet-not-enviable position countless times before. The only reason he had not reflexively jerked his hand away from the admittedly pleasant feeling was that he had yet to deduce the identity of the absolutely-not-supposed-to-be-there bedmate.

It should be noted that Keitaro had yet to open his eyes for two reasons: one, he couldn't see very well without his glasses and two, he didn't want to wake up to an angry visage of whoever was on the other end of his arm.

_Hmmm…based on the 'volume', I can rule out Shinobu, Su, and Sarah. They're still young, so puberty may bless them in the future. This 'volume' is also inconsistent with Kitsune and Mutsumi. Assuming it's not a surprise visitor, like Amalla, Tsuruko, or Haruka, that just leaves Naru, Motoko…and Kanako._

_Since the self-appointed 'Pervert Patrol' would have violently reacted by now, by elimination, it must be my own (adopted) sister, Kanako. It certainly is in line with her usual behavior and habits. I really wish she would stop relying heavily on me, her big brother; I can't keep her company like this, especially once she finds a boyfriend._

Slowly opening one eye, Keitaro noted that the hair color of the yet-to-be-positively-identified individual was jet black, supporting his hypothesis. However, he also noted that the short hairstyle, absent of a ponytail, did not support his hypothesis.

_Who's been sleeping in my bed then?_

The figure mumbled something incomprehensible to human ears.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" asked Keitaro, still keeping one eye closed as he leaned in closer.

"…Five more minutes, Kei-Kei," murmured the unmistakably female voice.

One that Keitaro hadn't heard in ages, along with a nickname that only one other person ever used with him.

His mother, Yurika Urashima.

His hand retracted at light speed and his face blanched as he gradually forced his other eye open to verify that, yes, indeed, he and his birth mother were sharing a bed at this very moment. Quickly checking his own state of dress, he was relieved to find that his pajamas and boxers were still very much properly worn on his body, no suspicious bodily fluids were to be seen anywhere on the bedsheets, and most importantly, his mother was at least still clothed.

To his horror, he realized that she was not in her own set of pajamas, but rather donning an oversized shirt, one that Keitaro immediately recognized as his own. His mind reeled at the potential implications: had they crossed a line last night? What was she doing here at the Hinata Sou, in his room, in his bed? He certainly didn't remember getting drunk with Kitsune or anything, so it couldn't have been alcohol-related.

Before succumbing to a complete meltdown, he peeked under the sheets once more and breathed a sigh of relief — his mother was wearing sweatpants, likely also taken from Keitaro's closet. He then noticed a neatly folded pile of clothes at the foot of his bed; likely his mother's, indicating she had at least been in the right state of mind when she changed into her impromptu sleepwear.

Vacillating between panic and relief was going to be the death of Keitaro at this rate.

Armed with the knowledge that his mother was at least in a presentable state, he gently shook his mother's shoulders. "Mom, please wake up. The other girls will get the wrong idea if they find you here. Please wake up, Mom." Internally, Keitaro was sweating bullets, but his voice kept its even, pleading tone.

For his efforts, his mother muttered something inaudible to him, then resumed her slumber.

Growing anxious and impatient, Keitaro increased the forcefulness of his shaking as well as the volume of his voice, bringing his head closer to her ears.

This time, her reaction was markedly different. Her arms shot out and encircled Keitaro's neck, pulling him into a tight embrace, threatening to suffocate him in her bosom. If not for the teeny-tiny fact that they were blood-related mother and son, he might have almost found the situation erotic and enjoyable.

"Mmph! Mmmph!" Keitaro struggled to free himself from his mother's iron grip; every second spent in this compromising position was one second closed to certain death if discovered by certain individuals. OK, maybe not certain death, but painful less-than-warranted retribution, at the very least.

His wildly flailing arms tried to create space between the two of them, but in classic Keitaro fashion, they somehow ended up on a certain part of the female anatomy.

His ears were rewarded with the lewdest sound he had ever heard his mother make.

Fighting down his inappropriate arousal, his hands detached once more while his mind raced to find a way out of this predicament ASAP. Unable to speak (for obvious muffled reasons), Keitaro opted instead to attack his mother's one weak point: she was very susceptible to being tickled.

Carefully ascertaining his hand's relative position (**pun fully intended**), he started assaulting his mother's sides as viciously as a starving t-rex upon a fresh piece of meat. Involuntary giggling from his mother signaled that it was working as intended. At least it wasn't the moaning from earlier. He shuddered at the recent, probably unerasable, memory.

He continued to up the intensity of his relentless tickling, now feeling his mother twitch in addition to the giggling. Unfortunately, this had the side effect of two certain somethings rubbing against his face even more distractingly than before.

Once again, Keitaro cursed the fact that this was happening with his own mother, of all people. At least with Kanako, he could use the excuse that they weren't blood-related, though that would easily backfire on him if he ever tried it.

Bit by bit, human language emerged out of the giggling fits. "S…St-…stop! Ple-please! No-no more! Gah!"

But Keitaro could not, would not, yield, not until he had extricated himself fully and put enough space between him and his mother so as to avoid any misinterpretations from the other tenants.

_One more push, then I can regain my status as a free man, and maybe even preserve my life and cancel my one-way ticket on Keitaro Airlines._

The tickling intensified once more, as did the unanswered pleas for mercy from his mother.

Unfortunately, so did the volume of her cries, something Keitaro had forgotten to take into account.

From the other side of his door, a voice suddenly asked, "What's going on in there, Urashima?"

Keitaro froze upon hearing the swordswoman's none-too-happy voice. If she opened the door right now, Keitaro was a dead man. Caught in a landslide (his mother's bosom), no escape from reality, he vowed that, if nothing else, he would at least protect his mother from the brunt of Motoko's attacks. He had no idea if his superhuman endurance and regeneration were hereditary, but he wasn't willing to risk it.

Rolling himself and his mother over, he now hovered over her prone form, an easy-to-misinterpret position, but he simply gritted his teeth and prayed. This was to protect her from Motoko's Ki attacks, he told himself.

"Motoko! I heard you shouting at Keitaro again! What did he do this time?"

_Great._ The other member of the Pervert Patrol had arrived at the scene as well. Now Keitaro was certain that he was a dead man waking, er, walking.

The two girls, upon hearing a woman's voice begging to "Stop! Please!" immediately slammed the door open and barged in, prepared to dispense their unique form of justice.

Keitaro mentally began a countdown from twenty, both thanking his mother for bringing him into this world and also cursing her for being the reason he was about to leave it.

Not waiting for an explanation, Naru brought her first back, while Motoko drew her sword.

Time slowed down.

Keitaro tried to stammer out a response, but his words were stifled by twin mounds.

His mother finally began to wake up, realizing that she was embracing her son in a _very_ affectionate manner.

"NARU PUNCH!" "Shinmeiryu Technique — Rock Cutting Slash!"

The dual attacks approached the designated target [U. K.] Estimated time of impact: 0.5 seconds.

Mama Urashima (henceforth shortened to Urashimama) realized that they were no longer alone in the room. More importantly, someone was trying to hurt her baby boy!

Just as the attacks were about to connect with Keitaro, they were intercepted by two palms, one per attempted attack. Stunned, Naru and Motoko could only cower as Urashimama's eyes blazed with the fury of a thousand sons, er, suns.

"Who **dares** lay a finger on **my** Kei-Kei?" thundered a voice more befitting the Lord of Darkness. When no response came, she repeated her question, though it would be more accurate to say she re-contextualized it as a demand. "I wake up to find someone brave of foolish enough to attack **my** Kei-Kei — so again, I ask, **WHO.** **DARES?**"

On the verge of passing out from the overwhelming aura, Naru was the first to answer. "I-I thought the stupid pervert was doing something to you, so I-we, we tried to knock him away to save you, miss."

Motoko followed up, "I-indeed. I felt the same as Narusegawa, that I should strike first, as immediate action seemed necessary."

Urashimama was not at all pleased with their evasive answers which sought to deflect all blame onto her son, a feeling reflected by her hands tightening ever so slightly around Naru's closed fist and Motoko's sword. "Are you two actually accusing my Kei-Kei of doing indecent things to me? In his sleep?" she asked incredulously.

Keitaro, having only just realized that he had yet to be sent flying, as well as being released from his mother's death grip, took this opportunity to extract his face and chime in.

"Actually, I've been awake for a while now, but due to various…circumstances, found myself…um, stuck, I guess." He sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, inwardly shocked that he had been allowed to give his side of the story for once.

"LIAR! I heard this woman begging you to 'Stop!' and the like!" cried Motoko, still trying to free her weapon from Urashimama's grasp.

"Oh, that? Kei-Kei was just tickling me; he seems to know all of my weak spots", Urashimama explained in a far-too-suggestive tone.

Naru, now even more enraged than before, bellowed, "Keitaro! Who is this woman and why does she call you 'Kei-Kei'? What's your relationship with her?" Naru would never admit it, but the obvious signs of jealousy were all too apparent to a parent.

Urashimama couldn't pass this chance up to tease her. "Me and Kei-Kei are very close. I've known him longer than anybody. We used to bathe together and sleep together all the time. So, if the two of you have no more actual grievances with my Kei-Kei, could you kindly get out and let us have some privacy?"

Motoko lit up like a tomato-infused stoplight. Naru recoiled slightly, but since her fist was still encased by Urashimama's own, she could only stare in shock. _Keitaro's slept with someone else before? Impossible!_

Keitaro had finally had enough. "Mom, don't say such misleading things like that! They'll end up taking their anger out on me!" Turning to the younger women in the room, he explained, "This is my mom, Yurika Urashima. Mom, these two are tenants of Hinata Sou, Naru Narusegawa and Motoko Aoyama."

The girls blinked, then started shouting questions over one another.

"Why is your mother in your bed, Urashima?!"

"I don't know, Motoko! She was here when I woke up this morning!"

"Why is she wearing your clothes, Keitaro?!"

"Wait, how did you know these were my clothes, Naru?"

"Ur, just a guess! They don't look like they fit her!"

"What kind of son are you? Why didn't you prepare a room for her?"

"I didn't even know she was coming here! Like I said, she was here when I woke up!"

"How did she even get in here anyways?" questioned Motoko.

Keitaro paused. "Hey, what exactly are you doing here anyways, Mom?" He wanted answers, and he needed them thirty-five minutes ago. Three sets of eyes focused on Urashimama, waiting for an explanation for, well, everything up to this point.

The digital alarm clock made an attempt to mimic its analog counterpart's tick-tock. A loud growl came from three stomachs, much to their embarrassment.

"Why don't we talk about this over breakfast?" Urashimama finally released Naru's fist and Motoko's sword and clapped her hands together, as if there hadn't been a tense standoff just moments before.

Rubbing his eyes, Keitaro sighed and simply accepted the suggestion, motioning to Naru and Motoko to leave the room so he could change in the privacy of his own room. Upon complying with his wishes, he noticed that his mother was still there, not intending on leaving.

"Mom, could you step outside for a moment? I'm trying to get changed here."

"And what's wrong with a mother watching her own son get changed? It's not like I haven't seen you naked before, Kei-Kei," cooed Urashimama.

"That was when I was still a child!" Keitaro shot back. "Please, it's kind of embarrassing for me."

"Fine. If I turn around, will that be enough?"

Accepting this compromise, Keitaro replied, "Sure, just promise not to peek, OK?"

"I don't know if I can promise that, Kei-Kei," sing-songed his mother. _She hasn't changed at all_, he thought.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Keitaro's parents in canon (anime/manga) do not have known names nor personalities. Everything in this story regarding Mr. and Mrs. Urashima should not be taken as canon.

You'll notice that there is no 'Romance' tag on this story, and that it is not rated 'M'. I'm not at the level yet where I can write a decent lemon, let alone an incestuous one.

Of course, you could always donate to my super-secret members-exclusive to access the 'M'-rated version of this story.

Spoiler: It doesn't exist.


	2. Part II

**Chapter 2**

* * *

The now-presentable mother-son duo made their way downstairs for breakfast. The sounds and smells coming from the kitchen were indications that the young housewife-hopeful, Shinobu, was busy preparing everybody's meals.

Keitaro inhaled and complimented, "Smells amazing, Shinobu. Thanks for your hard work every morning. I know you have to get up earlier in order to get everything ready in time."

"Eh-heh-heh, you're too kind, Senpai," she bashfully replied. _You'll make a wonderful wife someday_, her imagination added, eliciting a slight 'Kyaah!' from the chef herself.

"You'll make a wonderful housewife someday," commented Urashimama, inadvertently paralleling Shinobu's daydream nearly verbatim.

Shinobu turned at the unfamiliar voice and saw an unknown woman standing next to her Senpai. _Who is she and why is standing so close to Senpai?_ Her grip on the spatula tightened unconsciously, threatening to bend it like a metal spoon in a magic trick.

"Forgive me, where are my manners? My name is Yurika Urashima, and I am Kei-Kei's mother." Turning to her son, "Please tell me she isn't also a 'shoot first and ask questions later' kind of girl."

Doing his best to reassure his mother that not all of the tenants in Hinata Sou were sociopathic man-haters, Keitaro quickly stammered, "N-no, Shinobu isn't like that at all! In fact, she's never once attacked me, making her a saint! She also cooks, cleans, and helps me out greatly around the place."

Despite receiving sincere praise from Keitaro regularly, Shinobu couldn't help but blush deeply, another thing that did not escape Urashimama's notice. _Oh hoh, so the little one has a crush on my Kei-Kei? She's a bit too young now, but in a few years, it won't matter anymore._

* * *

A while later, the other tenants trickled into the dining room, some more apprehensive than others. Naru and Kitsune joined first, followed by Motoko and Su. The latter half of each pair had yet to be formally introduced to Urashimama, but appeared to at least been informed of an expected guest in the early morning by Naru and Motoko, respectively.

This meant that unlike Shinobu, the more outgoing Kitsune and Su were eager to introduce themselves at the table.

"Hey there! Name's Mitsune, but you can call me Kitsune! You must be Keitaro's mom!"

"And I'm Su! Nice to meet ya, Keitaros' mama! Are you here to take him away for an arranged marriage?"

"A pleasure to meet you both, Kitsune, Su. Thank you for putting up with my son all this time." Urashimama politely bowed, then asked, "What's this about an arranged marriage?"

"Oh, Su's step-brother visited us not long ago, and his purpose was to bring Su back home in order to get married," explained Keitaro, recalling his tanned doppelganger.

"Is that so? Su, I take it you didn't end up getting married back then?" questioned Urashimama.

"Nope," Su shook her head. "I love my big brother very much, but not in that way. Big sis is way more in love with him, so that works out better for them! Besides, I didn't want to leave my friends in Hinata behind!"

"Wait, your arranged marriage was to your brother?" a confused, but non-judging Urashimama asked.

"Step-brother," clarified Su. "He even looks like Keitaros!"

_Boy, was that day a gigantic mess_, recalled Keitaro. _If my life were some sort of drama film, we'd suddenly be told that we were long-lost twins, separated at birth and living two vastly different lives._ He chuckled at the improbability of that being remotely true.

"I understand now; rest assured, I will not be dragging my Kei-Kei to any marriage partner meetings anytime soon; our family is not so traditional as to abide by older customs."

A few sighs of relief were let out, though barely perceptible to most of the table's occupants.

"Besides, my son lives with so many beautiful girls, so there wouldn't be a need for me to help set him up anyways." Keitaro suddenly choked on his tea, slamming a fist into his chest to regain proper breathing capabilities.

"Mom!"

"What, Kei-Kei? Don't tell me you're still searching for that 'Promise Girl' from your memories! You don't even remember her name!"

"I know it's a long shot, but-" he suddenly cut himself off when he realized they weren't the only ones at the table. Several pairs of eyes were very interested in this mysterious 'Promise Girl' that had rarely come up before in conversation. In fact, Keitaro had only discussed this topic with Naru and Mutsumi, both of whom had been candidates at one point.

"Look, I made a promise with 'her' that we would reunite at Toudai; can we please drop this for now?" Keitaro didn't want his ronin status being brought up yet again, given that actually making it in to Toudai was a necessary part of the promise.

"Alright, Kei-Kei, but you and I are going to have a long talk about this later on."

Kitsune piped up, "Ms. Urashima, do you always call Keitaro 'Kei-Kei'?"

He groaned, knowing that Kitsune fully intended to use this nickname to tease him mercilessly in the future. "Mom, could you stop using that childhood nickname for me? I'm an adult now, so it's somewhat embarrassing."

"Ara ara, even though you've grown up, you'll always be my Kei-Kei," chimed Urashimama as she poked a finger at Keitaro's cheek to emphasize her motherly side. Naru and Kitsune snickered at the display; Shinobu found the familial affection endearing; while Motoko and Su showed no reaction.

Trying to contain his embarrassment, Keitaro asked, "Mom, what exactly brings you here today? I don't recall receiving a letter nor a call from you, it seems like you showed just late last night, and Dad didn't mention anything either. Had I known, I could have prepared a guest room for you, instead of, well, not having a room prepared for you."

Urashimama scowled and crossed her arms. "Your father is precisely the reason why I'm here right now. We had a fight and I was so upset with him that I left the house in a huff! At first, I was going to stay at Haruka's place, but then I remembered that Granny Hina put you in charge of the Hinata Sou."

"That doesn't explain how you got into the building." _Or how you got into my room, for that matter._

"Let's just say that I have a particular 'set of skills' and leave it at that, shall we?" Everyone else sweat dropped; that didn't sound like the words a responsible parental role model should be saying, especially to her own son, no less!

Keitaro sighed deeply, "At least tell me that it's not going to end in divorce or worse, Mom."

"If that man doesn't admit that he's in the wrong, I may have to consider it, Kei-Kei." Her tone was devoid of any warmth nor compassion, a red flag that the conversation should immediately be steered away from the metaphorical iceberg.

"W-well then, please make yourself at home then, Mom. I've got a long list of things to fix and maintain today, so if you need anything and I'm not available, please ask the tenants for assistance."

"Hold on a minute, Keitaro!" Naru, as always, was the first to react to anything the manager did. "Are you trying to use your duties as an excuse to abandon your own mother?"

Keitaro sighed again; he had been doing that a lot this morning. "No, I'm not using my managerial responsibilities as a cover, Naru. If anything, I'm still going to prioritize her well-being over pretty much anything else today, but only if the situation calls for it. Besides, she seems OK right now. If anything changes, I'll be the first to know and respond; I am her son, after all." He finished with a wink at his maternal figure.

"That's how I know I raised you right, Kei-Kei. I wouldn't have expected anything less from you."

Hoping to avoid contracting diabetes from the increasing saccharine levels, the residents quickly finished their meals and split off to pursue their own daily agendas.

* * *

…

…

"Why are you following me around, Mom?" Making the usual rounds, Keitaro was feeling a little more pressure than usual. Even though the maintenance tasks were routine and not difficult, he usually didn't have someone accompanying him for the entire duration.

"Is it against the law for me to observe my son's work habits and environment? Or do you feel that I'm getting in the way of your work, Kei-Kei?" She briefly considered employing puppy-dog-eyes tactics, but that wasn't really necessary in this case. Her tone was that of genuine concern, not the least bit sarcastic nor confrontational.

"It's nothing like that, Mom. You're not interfering with anything right now. It's just that you've been sticking to me for the past several hours; aren't you even a little bit tired? You did arrive here late last night, if I'm not mistaken," said Keitaro, trying to convince his mother to give him some breathing room.

"Don't you worry about little ol' me; besides, I can think of you as my own personal tour guide, seeing as I haven't visited this place in ages."

"Well, if you insist, Mom. But please don't force yourself to be feel obligated to supervise me just because you're my mother and I'm your son, OK?" Keitaro's caring nature was, unsurprisingly, not just restricted to those in his age group and below, and was almost something tangible from the sincerity in his words.

Urashimama suddenly leaned in very close to her son's face, sporting a pensive look.

Keitaro blinked once and immediately began a mental self-destruct sequence accompanied by flustered flailing before catching himself and remembering that the woman in front of him was his own mother. "Is there something on my face, like a smudge?" he asked nervously, hoping none of the other girls would happen upon them and get the wrong idea, as they often did.

"Kei-Kei, are you always this tense when carrying out your managerial duties?"

"Guh!" he recoiled internally — had it been that obvious to her? He had tried his best to hide it precisely because his mother was here today to bear witness. The last thing he wanted was for her to conclude that working at the Hinata Sou was taking a toll on him and force him to leave for his own good.

"N-no, there's nothing to worry about, Mom. I'm just being cautious, trying to avoid any accidents." _Damnit! Now she's going to ask-_

"What kinds of accidents do you get yourself into, Kei-Kei? I'm not sure I follow."

Sighing, Keitaro started explaining his unfortunate 'tendencies' and how they usually ended with a one-way, all expenses unpaid trip on Keitaro Air. His mother's eyebrows furrowed, becoming more and more aghast as the examples grew more and more absurd in a myriad of ways.

Fully expecting his mother to go full Mama Bear mode, Keitaro quickly ran to block any further advancement towards the tenants' rooms…

…Only to find his mother still rooted in place, gently chuckling to herself.

To say Keitaro was confused would be an understatement akin to calling torture 'unpleasant'. He had thought that his own mother would empathize with his struggles, not laugh at them! His mood rapidly worsening, all he could do was stop and ask, "Mom, what's so funny about me getting knocked into the stratosphere as an overreaction?"

Urashimama did her best to stifle her laughter, with mixed results. "Sorry, Kei-Kei, it's just that your plight reminds me so much of your father, back when he was your age."

"What? How am I anything like that stuffy, humorless man?" Keitaro hadn't seen eye-to-eye with his old man ever since he started bringing up the 'promise girl' as his motivation for getting into Toudai. His father's unwillingness to even try to understand just how important it was to Keitaro was a key reason why Keitaro chose to move out in the first place.

Her mirth now fully subsided, she replied, "Your father was also afflicted with a similar blessing/curse, depending on how you looked at it. Through contrived concidences and convoluted circumstances, he found himself in situations with young girls and women, similar to the ones you described. Those also tended to end with both parties getting embarrassed and sometimes upset, but rarely with quite the violent retribution you've experienced."

Urashimama's face suddenly took on a wistful look. "I still remember the first time he crashed into me in the school hallway, stammering an apology as he helped me up. In response, I slapped him, thinking he was just a common pervert."

Keitaro winced; this out-of-nowhere nostalgia trip of his parent's initial encounter was definitely making him uncomfortable. Trying to cut the story short, he offered, "Seeing as how you ended up marrying Dad, I'm guessing he eventually stopped having these 'tendencies'?" hoping that his own future would tone down the whole 'cosmic plaything' role that is had selected for Keitaro.

"Well, sort of. They never completely went away, but married life seems to have lessened the occurrences significantly." Whether it was the mere fact that being married meant spending less time with women who were not your wife or fate had decided to move on to another target was unclear.

Keitaro suddenly had an epiphany — since waking up this morning, he had yet to fall victim to Naru's and Motoko's wrath via a perverted incident — minus the whole waking-up-in-bed-with-his-mother-no-I-swear-it's-not-what-it-looks-like crisis that was barely averted in time.

Thinking about it logically, what could be the reason behind this stroke of good fortune? He obviously wasn't married to anyone, let alone his own mother. She wasn't giving off any intimidating auras or vibes, telling the girls to get on her level if they wanted to be with her son, like a certain overachieving big sister. [1] And she wasn't a high-level ninja, watching from the shadows and neutralizing threats before they could come to fruition.

Actually, Keitaro wasn't sure his mother _wasn't_ a ninja, given that she managed to enter a locked house in the middle of the night without alerting any of its inhabitants, one of whom was a skilled swordswoman in her own right, another a certified genius with technology so advanced, one could classify it as witchcraft.

…Perhaps it was his mother, Yurika Urashima, whose very presence nullified the Cosmic Forces?

_That's absolutely ridiculous_, though Keitaro. _Besides, even if that __were__ the case, what could I do? Ask my mother to stay here with me forever, in a twisted non-marriage proposal?_

Just then, the downstairs phone rang. In an instant, Keitaro had zoomed over to the source of the interruption, leaving his supplies where he once stood. Picking up the receiver, he quickly recognized the voice on the other end, having been mentioned in the conversation just now. After confirming the purpose of the call, he covered the receiver and called out, "Mom, it's for you. Dad's on the line."

After Urashimama made her way over to the phone and took the call, Keitaro slumped into the sofa, digesting the newest information regarding his parents. _There's hope for me yet,_ he thought optimistically. _I'll persevere, get accepted into Toudai, reunite with my Promised Girl, and life out a happily married life together! I just need to survive until then!_

For any other person, the use of 'survive' might sound like hyperbole.

For Keitaro, it was as literal a use of the word as possible, given who his housemates were and what they tended to do to him on a daily basis.

After a brief while, Urashimama finished the call and hung up. Joining her son on the sofa, he noticed her mood had brightened a little more, compared to before. Whatever she had discussed with her husband, it apparently had been a positive talk.

"Well, Kei-Kei, looks like I'll be out of your hair after today. Your father and I have made up, so I don't need to continue hiding out here," she half-jokingly informed him. "Knowing him he'd come here in person sooner or later to pick me up, seeing as he figured out where I was staying rather quickly. Thank you for indulging your mother's selfish whims today, Kei-Kei."

For the umpteenth time since this morning, Keitaro was at a loss for words. Had the whole situation wrapped up neatly, just like that? He was all worried about a big fight and potentially divorce proceedings, but all of those concerns evaporated upon seeing him mother smiling brightly.

"You are welcome here any time, Mom." He felt it would be wrong to use the word 'visit', as that would imply he saw her as a guest instead of true family. "I'm glad that everything turned out alright in the end. I wouldn't mind you staying a little longer, actually, since we don't spend as much family time together, now that I'm busy with classes and caretaker duties." _And maybe I can relax a little more if I don't have to keep getting caught up in 'unintentional meetings',_ he added to himself. A nervous laugh escaped his lips, expecting his mother to gently chide him and explain that he should grow up and become more independent, though she would always be there to lend him an ear or shoulder, if circumstances arose and called for it.

"Ara ara, I'm very happy you don't mind my company, Kei-Kei, but I feel _some_ people would not like me overstaying my welcome any longer." She pointed to someone behind Keitaro, who himself turned around to see who it was she was referring to.

There stood all the tenants of the Hinata Sou, gathered behind him: Naru, Motoko, Su, Shinobu, and Kitsune.

"A real momma's boy, ain't cha?" teased Kitsune.

Motoko was next to verbally cut him down, "Hiding in the shadow of your mother, have you no shame, Urashima?"

"Isn't that how you and Tsurukos are, though?" questioned Su.

"Non-nonsense! My relationship with Ane-Ue is completely normal and healthy, unlike this man's!" Nobody present was fooled, not even Urashimama, who hadn't even met the big sister in question.

"Senpai", a worried Shinobu said, "Please don't turn out to be someone who prefers his own mother to other girls." The thought of having to compete with Urashimama was terrifying to the young maiden.

"W-What on earth are you talking about, Shinobu-chan?"

"Naru-senpai said you might have a disease called an 'Edible complex'," explained Shinobu, "I'm worried you might be too close to your mother, Senpai."

"It's 'Oedipus complex'," corrected Naru. "And I was just kidding when I said that, this guy isn't that degenerate."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean, Naru?" Still, he felt a little relieved that it was just a slightly tasteless joke and not a full-blown mother complex accusation.

After a few more banters were changed, the residents of Hinata Sou saw Mrs. Urashima off, each reiterating Keitaro's offer to come by anytime, albeit with the added clause of giving prior notice, if possible.

As soon as she was out of sight, Keitaro did a 180 to return to his daily tasks, somehow tripping over his own feet and crashing down on several of the ladies, hands and face in compromising positions.

"Urashima…" "Keitaro…" "Senpai…"

He gulped, knowing exactly what was coming next.

One launch into orbit later, Keitaro wailed, "Mom, come back!"

* * *

**The End**

* * *

Author's Notes:

[1] Infinite Stratos reference to Chifuyu Orimura, the older sister of the dense harem protagonist, Ichika Orimura. Their dynamic is less brother-sister and closer to husband-wife, a fact lampshaded by the other member of Ichika's harem multiple times. In one scene, Chifuyu gets drunk and challenges the other girls to "get on her level", so to speak.

So that wraps up this one-shot, split into two parts. I have some omakes planned, including a few characters who got zero screentime or dialogue in the main story.


	3. Omakes

**Omake 1**

* * *

"…Five more minutes, Kei-Kei," murmured the unmistakably female voice.

One that Keitaro hadn't heard in ages, along with a nickname that only one other person ever used with him.

His mother, Yurika Urashima.

His hand retracted at light speed and his face blanched as he gradually forced his other eye open to verify that, yes, indeed, he and his birth mother were sharing a bed at this very moment.

However, before he could react any further, a voice screeched, "Get away from him, you thieving cat!" Wait, that voice originated from inside his room.

Another woman was in his room?

The closet door slammed open, and out stepped one Kanako Urashima, his adopted sister.

"Ka-Kanako? What are you doing here? Weren't you travelling with Granny Hina?" Keitaro quickly moved to cover both his and his mother's bodies, shocked by yet another familiar relative in his private sanctuary.

"My onii-chan senses were tingling, so I rushed here as soon as possible, only to find our mother in bed with you! Could there be a greater betrayal?"

"Kanako", his voice stern, "nothing happened, you are clearly overreacting to a misunderst-"

"KEITARO!" Another woman's voice, this time from outside of his room, cut him off. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Aunt Haruka? Why are you here at this early hour?" Keitaro was swimming in an ocean of confusion; was this all just a bizarre dream he was having?

"Wouldn't you prefer me, someone more mature than Kanako," gesturing to her own body, "but not nearly as aged as Yurika?" This earned hard glares from both of the other Urashima women present.

Before they could get a word in edgewise, another player entered the game. Popping out from under the floorboards, Sarah McDougal revealed her presence.

"Wait, time out!" cried Keitaro. "Sarah, you don't even fit the pattern here!" Gesturing at the other women in the vicinity, he continued. "This non-canon spinoff gag chapter is only supposed to feature relatives of mine in a thinly-veiled callback to the original non-existent draft where the story was more of an incest/parody! But you're clearly not related to me in any familial sense, unlike my Mom, adopted sister, or cousin/aunt!"

"Well, actually, since this is non-canon and all… *whisper whisper*"

Keitaro promptly fainted upon hearing his true relationship with this Sarah. [1]

The women all simply stared at one another.

"Well, who's first?"

* * *

**Omake 2**

* * *

Urashimama scowled and crossed her arms. "Your father is precisely the reason why I'm here right now. We had a fight and I was so upset with him that I left the house in a huff! At first, I was going to stay at Haruka's place, but then I remembered that Granny Hina put you in charge of the Hinata Sou."

"That doesn't explain how you got into the building." _Or how you got into my room, for that matter._

"Let's just say that I have a particular 'set of skills' and leave it at that, shall we?" Everyone else sweat dropped; that didn't sound like the words a responsible parental role model should be saying, especially to her own son, no less!

Keitaro sighed deeply, "At least tell me that it's not going to end in divorce or worse, Mom."

"If that man doesn't admit that he's in the wrong, I may have to consider it, Kei-Kei." Her tone was devoid of any warmth nor compassion, a red flag that the conversation should immediately be steered away from the metaphorical iceberg.

Undeterred, Keitaro pressed the question. "What exactly did you two fight about this time?" Implied in his emphasis was the fact that that this wasn't the only big fight he'd known about. Also thankfully implied was that his parents had made up afterwards every time, so far.

Huffing angrily, Urashimama exclaimed, "Fine, I'll tell you."

Everybody leaned in, eager to hear the reason.

Everybody except for Keitaro, who simply leaned back in his chair, disinterested.

"That man…" The interested parties leaned in closer in anticipation. "He…"

Keitaro got up and poured himself a glass of water.

"He…he claimed that best waifu is Shampoo! Everyone knows that best waifu is Ukyo!" [2]

Facefaults could be heard around the table.

"Seriously, Mom? That's why you two had an argument which ended with you running away to Hinata Sou?" Her son was clearly unamused. "This is almost as bad as the time you two argued over whether midnight should be 0:00 or 24:00."

"Why aren't you on your Mother's side, Kei-Kei?" whined Urashimama in a tone not befitting of her real age.

"…Because you're both wrong." Keitaro, openly disagreeing with his mother? "Best waifu is obviously Kasumi." [3]

The rest of the breakfast quickly devolved into a shouting match after that.

The non-Urashimas quietly finished up and left to go about their own business. Late into the afternoon, the mother-son duo could still be heard arguing over the merits of each girl.

* * *

**Omake 3**

* * *

Urashimama suddenly leaned in very close to her son's face, sporting a pensive look.

Keitaro blinked once and immediately began a mental self-destruct sequence accompanied by flustered flailing before catching himself and remembering that the woman in front of him was his own mother. "Is there something on my face, like a smudge?" he asked nervously, hoping none of the other girls would happen upon them and get the wrong idea, as they often did.

"I was just thinking," she spoke in a breathy tone completely unsuitable for socially-acceptable family conversations, "that you're quite handsome when viewed up close."

Keitaro, feeling incredibly uncomfortable at the shrunken physical distance between him and his mother, unconsciously sniffed her breath, finding no hints of alcohol, ruling out that possibility. It did little to ease his worries, however.

"I appreciate the compliment, Mom, but could you please give me some space here?" As his hands were full of tools and cleaning supplies, he did not bring them up to push his mother away.

"You know, you remind me of your father when he was your age." Urashimama's delivery of the line was laced with something dangerous, but Keitaro hoped it was just his imagination.

She suddenly closed the gap between them completely and embraced her son in a decidedly un-motherly fashion, her hands roaming all over her son's body.

_What the hell is happening?_ Keitaro screamed internally.

Deftly maneuvering both of them towards the manger's living quarters, Keitaro found himself pinned onto his bed, his mother looming over him with a hungry look in her eyes.

The very same look that his adopted sister sported whenever she used to crawl into his bed.

He never quite understood that about Kanako; why couldn't she accept that he would never see her as anyone other than a beloved sister, with who Keitaro would never cross that line with?

Urashimama leaned closer, her lips millimeters from Keitaro's.

He gulped; there was still time to turn this around. They hadn't crossed an invisible boundary yet. Both of them could still walk aw-

And then her lips smothered his own, cutting off any further rational thought processes.

The last thing on Keitaro's mind was cursing the gods for granting his wish to get laid in the most twisted way possible.

* * *

Elsewhere, a certain young mad scientist was the reading the latest test results of her newest drug.

"Ah, shoot! The love potion was supposed to cause Keitaros to fall in love with all of us! But because I got the ratios mixed up, only one of us will fall in love with him instead! And…let's see…looks like the person with the strongest bond with him is…not Motoko, not Naru, not Kitsune, not me…Shinobu? Wait, no, it can't be…his own mother? I didn't account for her being here today, so when I added the potion to Shinobu's cooking this morning, that means- ! Oh, no!

…

Whatever, incest is considered OK back home, so long as Keitaros and his Mama move there, everything should be fine. Of course, I will still be his first wife!"

And so, Su set about preparing her "Keitaros Harem Plan", cackling madly.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

[1] If you want to know which story _this_ Sarah hails from, please read Reunion by hawker-748. Warning, it is rated '**M**' for a good reason.

[2] Shampoo and Ukyo are both female love interests from Ranma ½. The canonical love interest of the protagonist, Ranma, is actually Akane, a violent tsundere, superficially similar to Naru.

[3] Also a character from Ranma ½, though usually not considered to be a love interest of the protagonist. She is, however, very much a housewife archetype, so maybe Shinobu still has a chance?

Well, here's a couple of extra chapters to fulfill the incest quota. They could have been added into the main story, but it would drastically change the tone to something I'm not ready to write a full story for.


End file.
